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ALS
crap hair XI
home of the lackluster locks
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“The times they are a changing,” said somebody with a poor command of the English language, and, if they hadn’t put “a” into that sentence, they would have been exactly right. However, no matter what age you live in, one thing that never changes is the fact that some people will always sport ridiculous haircuts. Obviously, at certain times the fashion of the day makes it easier to look like a total fool, and we need look no further than the tragic seventies with big hair and platform shoes, or the eighties’ bubble perms, mohicans and crap ponytails(not all at once, you understand) to prove this. However, some people just won’t learn and are destined to become the ultimate fashion victims. The nation laughs at them while they strut about pretending to be cool. These people are…professional footballers. Ladies and Gentlemen, put on your dark glasses and have your scissors at the ready as we delve deep into the vomit-inducing world o Sunderland’s worst haircuts.
Goalkeeper: Lionel Perez
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One of the most ridiculous people ever to wear our number one shirt. Despite having a good physique, I don’t understand what women saw in him during his first season. Remember the story of Samson and Delilah? I thought that Lionel was Samson until he got his hair cut. I mean he just never cut it, it was messy and awful. So scruffy did he look that Leicester fans chanted “Where’s your caravan?” at him at Filbert Street.
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Right Back: Barry Venison
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Despite the fact he played for the skunks, no bad hair eleven would be complete without the inclusion of Mr Venison. During his time at Sunderland he was a complete ponce. Pink suits, white shoes and socks of the same colour meant Barry was the laughing stock of Sunderland’s nightspots.
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Left Back: Mickey Gray
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Whilst Lionel redeemed himself with his fabulous blond spiky effort, Mickey Gray’s effort at copying it after he left was an abject failure. Another hit with many of Sunderland’s women despite a string of dubious haircuts, he’s grown it, dyed it, tied it back and let it frizz out. Every time, it has looked crap. Still I you can get to go round to Melanie Sykes’ hose with it, it can’t be that bad. Incidentally, Michael said that he had all manner of ridiculous things planned for his hair after his bleached effort. What happened?
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Centre Back: Jeff Clarke
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The women liked him, but the blokes thought he was a bit soft. He was a class passer, chopped down many attackers with his tackles, and was a good tight marker. However, he was too tight to get his locks chopped and therefore is an automatic choice in our side.
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Centre Back: Rob Hindmarch
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Local lad who was slow but a strong tackler. Crap hair. Anyone who has curly hair and a crap tash deserves to be in the Crap Hair XI. Make up your own sentence here including the words “pubic hair” and “candy floss.”
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Right Midfield: Nicky Summerbee
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What is going on with Nicky’s hair? I know he’s thinning a bit on top, but it can’t be that hard to manage. He’s either trying to win a Jimmy White lookalike competition or he’s attempting the world’s first Bobby Charlton combover whilst still having hair on top of his head. Get a number two or three all around it and it will look fine Nicky.
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Centre Midfield: Gordon Armstrong
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Apparently, when Gordon was at school his mam used to iron creases down the middle of his jeans. Despite the fact that this was in the tasteless 80’s, it was definitely not in, even then. This unfortunate childhood incident obviously had psychological repercussions as it drove Mr Armstrong into a fashion timewarp, so much so that he still had the classic footballers’ mullet haircut long after it was in, and let’s face it, even when it was it was shit. For this reason alone Gordon commands the holding role in central midfield.
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Centre Midfield: Steve Agnew
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He had no hair but we didn’t care. Difficult to criticize his haircut cos he didn’t have one, but have you ever tried doing one of these teams? Well, it isn’t easy. So since Aggers was balding at the age of nineteen and was a topper bloke, we’ve slotted him alongside Armstrong in our engine room.
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Striker: Phil Gray
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This Northern Ireland international arrived at the club with a neat short back and sides, but after a year or so of looking for a barber’s shop in the north eat, and falling, he ended up with the crappest hair ever. At its peak, old men in the Fulwell End were heard shouting, “Get yer hair cut you stupid get.” After being dragged out of the gutter by a member of our staff and put it in a taxi outside Annabell’s completely pissed, he ended up on the front cover of ALS with the strapline: “Get Yer Hair Cut.”
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Striker: Eric Gates
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Sorry Gatesy, but when you played up front with Marco, you had the haircut of a lass. Yes, he may have been class, but this team is not judged on footballing ability, but crimes against hair and as a result we sentence you, Mr Gates, to ten years in the press box. Your mane was a disgrace.
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Left Midfield: Jamie Lawrence
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The original pineapple head, headline grabber and Bradford’s favourite armed robber. Started his football career with tied up dreadlocks when it would have been easier to say “sorry gaffer, I’m too soft to head the ball.” He cut it off, then bleached it.. After realizing how crap it looked, he sold out to everybody’s favourite wankers, The Sun, dyed it red and got the shit newspaper’s title in his head in white. This is another offence that he should be doing time for.
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Ponceton McCroptop
(First appeared in issue 88 of ALS 99/00 season)
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